he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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