I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
