god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
