I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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