I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
