Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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