I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
