Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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