dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My Higher Power is John Stamos
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
do nipples grow back?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
