I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
