Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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