I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize