I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
