Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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