hotel room ftw
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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