there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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