listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
