9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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