Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
