There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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