Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
