I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
