i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
