I could make wine with my vomit
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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