so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
