I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
