cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
