Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
