when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
