It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
time to smoke my breakfast
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
