New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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