I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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