I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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