That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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