I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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