i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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