TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
