You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
