the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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