she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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