I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
