We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't deserve a penis
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
