why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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