But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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