My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm too high and old for this...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
