He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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