I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
