There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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