I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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