the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
