I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize