Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
