If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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