Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
